I have always been dynamic and one success was not just enough for me. I had to achieve more. I studied hard finishing my graduation from an Ivy League school. I had everything in my Curriculum Vitae that would classify me as the ideal candidate— internships, socializing skills, and an excellent academic record.
I was adamant in networking, in building up my professional career. Soon enough, I had climbed up the social ladder in a position where not even the best of the male candidates in the ad agency where I worked, could reach. Yes, I am a woman with a history of oppression and suppression and I have been able to achieve this.
Yes, I am the alpha woman who could do so much, who could compete against men and achieved things men couldn’t.
Before I could get an inkling of what my future self would be, I fell in love with men who were scared of powerful women. I could love them so easily, without any conviction. I could love them without being judgmental. Life was so simple. But that’s history now. I had taken the reins of my life and career. My idea of men has changed and so has their attitude towards me.
I have become an object which frightens them now. Even my perfectly built body couldn’t help my ex get an erection after he learned that I earn more than him. So here I am… imprisoned in this forlorn castle with me. There’s no way to break away.
Men have their own male ego. They need women to satisfy their male ego. They need to fall in love with women who are weak, who are submissive, at least to them. It is this nature to dominate that arouses men, at least most of them.
Their lover has to succumb to their wishes, their desires. So, in order to love a man, I was needed to put on this garb of weak, submissive, fragile female and apply a moisturizer of ‘damsel-in-distress’ so that they would be able to perform their chivalrous deeds and feel like a ‘man’. Most of these men wanted to love their weak female counterpart who would boost their male ego and make them the ‘man’ they have always wanted to become.
Unfortunately, I can’t be that woman. I can’t submit. Why should I? When I asked these reasons myself, my brain came up with a number of reasons. I earn a handsome salary. Who was responsible for it? The man I love or me? The answer is me. What made me earn this handsome salary? The man I love or the time I spent studying and competing against a hundred thousand others, cracking examinations, doing internships and landing up with good jobs and then competing again to reach the top?
The answer is, of course, I and my effort culminated over these years. Hence, the moment I question myself, why should I be submissive to my man, I don’t actually find any reason. Yes, I need help because I can’t think like a woman my mother wanted me to be, the woman I read in fairy-tales. It’s not the way my life was supposed to conclude. Was it? I have become this demon who can’t submit to men. I need help.
As a child, I had this idea that a woman has two jobs. One is the job which gives her financial freedom. The other one is to please her husband no matter what the circumstances are. So, if a woman is a leader, she should quit her position because she cannot rise above her husband in the social ladder and make him feel unwanted, hurting his male ego. If a woman is good at something than her husband, she should stop being good because that again will hurt his male ego.
If a woman wants something which is not in tune with her husband’s wishes, she should immediately stop it because this too will hurt him. But now, my notions have changed. I have grown up and I have a life of my own. If a man doesn’t fit into my criteria, I would rather creep inside my castle.
I had strong faith in feminism. I thought it would liberate me. But it did the opposite. It operated that part of me who loved such chauvinistic, insecure men. It made me fiercely independent, cold-hearted and lonely. Nothing can change now.
I am asking for your help because I have turned into an alpha woman. But I presume that you can’t help me!