Here’s to the man who broke my heart even though we never dated. To the man who disrupted my view of love and who changed me for life.
To the man I lost despite never having him. To the man who still owes me some answers I will probably never get.
After all this time, I realized that I never found out the truth about your feelings for me.
For a while, I kept deceiving myself that deep down you loved me but were too scared to admit it but now I can’t help but wonder if your feelings for me ever existed.
Were you just physically attracted to me? Maybe you had some deeper emotions? Or you couldn’t care less about me all along?
Looking at things from this point of view, what did you feel for me? Was it nothing more than lust or could you call it some kind of love?
Okay, so this one is the hardest questions but I have to ask it: Was any of it true? Was I just deceiving myself that you and I had something?
Were you honest when you told me your deepest secrets and fears?
Were you honest when you exposed your vulnerable side to me?
Were all of our pillow talks fake? All of your messages and all the times you told me I was the only one who got you and the only one you could trust?
Was it all just an act and a mask you wore? A way to get into my pants and into my heart?
One thing I think I’ll never come to terms with is why you couldn’t tell me how things were from the very start.
Why did you have the need to get my hopes up when you knew very well that it would just bring me more pain?
Wouldn’t it have been fairer if you had been straight from the beginning?
Why couldn’t you have told me that you were looking for something meaningless and temporary instead of leading me on for so long?
Did you ever find yourself picturing a future with me? Did you ever see the two of us becoming something greater than that nothing we were?
Did you ever plan on labeling things? On taking our relationship to the next level?
Let’s face it—there was no way you didn’t see when I fell for you hard.
You must have noticed that I was growing to love you and that our almost relationship was slowly killing me spiritually.
So why didn’t you walk away the moment you saw that I wanted more?
Why couldn’t you have been the bigger person and left me before I went completely crazy over you?
Why did you continue using my heart and the love I felt for you?
Why did you keep on stringing me along when you knew very well that I wouldn’t have the courage to end things?
After all the pain you put me through, I think the thing that still hurts me the most is this feeling you left in me of not being enough.
I can’t help but question my worth and wonder why you couldn’t have loved me enough to make our relationship real.
Was it something I did? Was I too needy? Was I not pretty, smart or interesting enough?
Did you think that you were out of my league? What was the thing I didn’t have that the woman you can love must have?
I know you are aware that you broke my heart, even though you probably would never admit it.
However, I am not sure if you know how bad it was.
Do you know that you crushed me into millions of pieces? That you damaged me and that it will take more than you can imagine for me to heal?
Finally, I want to ask you if you feel even a little bit sorry for all that you’ve done. Do you regret hurting me the way you did?
Are you sorry for things not working out between us?
Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night, overwhelmed with guilt? Are you afraid that hurting me will haunt you forever?
Or is it that you couldn’t care less?