Romance books and fairy tales have spoiled us. Toss in the movie too, as long as we are at it. Haven’t we all fancied finding somebody who was missing somebody just like us to come and fill up his life with light and joy? And how exciting it is to actually find someone who looks broken — and conveniently, he seems to be interested in you too, now you have your own personal bad-boy to fix. Just like those books, and movies.
All you are going to end up doing, most likely, is fawning over him, taking care of his needs and setting yourself aside for his sake.
First of all, you should be aware that you already have just one life to enjoy and you shouldn’t be solely responsible for one more person’s happiness as well. It’s hard to let go of someone we see that needs ‘fixing’ because our maternal instincts can kick in and make us want really strange things at times. But take it from us — that way leads to sorrow, frustration and eventually, self-depreciation. Which, as we already surmised, life is too short to waste on.
Secondly, one could argue that the classic bad-boy might not look like a Bad Boy when you first meet him. You only know of it once you have been through the motions, and sometimes, only when the neglect you receive has gone for too long.
The most likely reason he is incapable of loving you would be because he is incapable of seeing you — or any other woman as a person and an equal. A man who believes you to simply be a fixture in his life, to be used as and when he pleases, will never bother to stop to think about how you feel — is incapable of thinking how you feel.
It could be in your presence, to your face when he puts you down or it could be in your absence when you hear or have a strong suspicion that he was disrespecting you behind your back. This kind of man only sees you like something to own — beyond that, you are left fending for yourself.
He might insist that he has changed, seen the error in his ways, but if he has a long list of ex-girlfriends, all of whom, he cheated upon, left or hit, there are higher chances of him doing the same to you. Similarly, if he is known to manipulate people for his gain and throw them away once he is done, there is nothing to say he won’t do the same to you too.
People can change, but you need to have decent enough proof before you believe them when it is a question of relationship.
Being self-aware is healthy. Being self-obsessed is not.
When a person is self-obsessed, it is a clear sign that they are incapable of thinking of anyone but themselves. These kind of people are just waiting for the spotlight to turn back on them. He will look like he is listening when you talk, but you know he was only waiting so that you’d stop talking and you both can discuss him again. This man will expect you to be there in his time of need and will be nowhere around when it is your turn.
Self-obsession often runs hand in hand with shallowness. Your self-obsessed man will most likely be too shallow to appreciate your intellectual depth or any of your individual interests because all he cares for now is that you look good on him.
This is mostly when you will begin to realize how much of a one-sided relationship you are in. These type of men probably believe they deserve a girl whenever they desire — and also that if you are in a bar, you are there for s*x.
During the relationship, this can come off through his issues with your time management — how much time you essentially waste being away from him. He might want you to not consider that overseas promotion because that would mean you going away. No, why should he have to resettle just because your salary is increasing two or three times?
This would be a good time to break free of his toxicity, by the way.
You cannot have a healthy relationship where only one person gives and one person takes. Nor can you have one where only one person is constantly making mistakes and whatever happens, is the one who always apologizes.
Even when it is clearly his fault, somehow you will always end up apologizing because he might get sad that you are making a big deal out of it — or he will angry at you in return for whatever twisted reason (mostly that you are angry at him and calling him out).
Similarly, while explaining his relationships, it will always be his exes’ fault why it never worked out. Their fault he was “forced” to sleep with some other girl, they stopped glamming-up for him and let themselves go, or that tested his limits so much that he just couldn’t stop but hit them.
When a man tells you he is going to be a douche, always believe him.
If he tells you he is incapable of love, not looking for a relationship or anything that suggests he is not going to be invested in you — take him seriously and just let him go.