Dirty talk isn’t for everyone. It’s not easy for everyone to express, in words and out loud, what they want to do to their partner or what they want their partner to do to them. Some love it, some hate it, and some just can’t manage to pull it off without laughing. And there can also be the struggle of word choice when you’re trying out dirty talk.
“Dirty talk is all about the details,” sex educator, Lola Jean, tells Bustle. “We have to paint a picture with our words so in reality, resorting to any specific mention of gender and genitals is *kind of* lazy. Think of dirty talk also as teasing, you can choose to paint an entire picture for someone or let them fill in the lines with their own imagination. It depends on the level which you already know the person and their need for autonomy.”
Of course, not everyone is into the same thing or needs to hear the same thing in order to be aroused. That’s definitely something to take into consideration.
“I like giving people options which both allows me to learn more about them and also lets them guide a certain portion as well,” Lola Jean says. “It’s like a sexy choose your own adventure. Also this is an excellent location to explore different items you may be uncomfortable with… Make a focus on what you can add, to make you more at ease versus what you take away.”
Here are 11 examples of talking dirty that have nothing at all to do with gender.
Try giving your partner options to decide what they want next. It’s a “choose your own adventure,” as Lola Jean calls it.
For example, if you come home and are about to have sex, you can ask your partner what they want. Do they want to be teased for a bit first? Do they want you to slowly remove their clothes, one button at a time, maybe even with your mouth? Or do they want you to rip their clothes, climb on top, and go straight for it?
When you give your partner options with your dirty talk, you not only allow them to play an active role, but it also helps you understand what your partner prefers and what gets them off.
Again, options are everything, especially in the learning process. Lola Jeans suggests offering these four choices:
Each one has a different sentiment, depending on the dynamic of your relationship.
Far better than pre-gaming with alcohol for a date, is pre-gaming with dirty talk far before you even come in contact with each other.
Lola Jean suggests giving your partner a play-by-play of how you’re getting ready via text and letting them be part of the process. Here are four options to give your partner if you’re new to talking dirty, according to Lola Jean.
When you text your partner, “I’m thinking about the last time I saw you and my body is aching for the next,” you’re not just flattering them, something everyone loves, but you’re expressing your desire for them, an irresistible urge for them — something some people might say is more delicious than flattery.
Really want to get your partner hot and bothered with some dirty talk? Then don’t forget to address their mind: “The only thing that I crave more than your body is your mind.”
Sexuality is more about what’s in your brain than what’s between your legs after all.
When you’re talking dirty, it shouldn’t be a one-sided conversation. If it is, then things are thrown off balance. While you’re under no obligation to talk dirty if you’re not comfortable with it, then you can at least give directions with your hands.
For example, if your partner says to you, “Think of the place you like most where I touch you. Now let your mind wander and show me the way,” you can respond without saying word. On the flip side, if you know your partner isn’t comfortable talking dirty, this is also a great line because it allows them to be involved, while saying nothing, keeping them in their comfort zone.
Try saying, “Just thinking of the way your skin reacts to my touch is enough to send shivers down my own spine.”
You may want your partner to know that you’re so aroused by them, even when they’re not around, that the urge to drop everything you’re doing and go to them now is real. For example try saying, “I’m thinking about the next time I’ll see you and part of me wants to tease myself by thinking of it and the other half wants to interrupt whatever it is you’re doing to make it now. I guess I’ll choose to behave.”
Perhaps this example from Lola Jean is a bit of a mouthful, but can you imagine hearing this from your partner? Or getting it via text? It’s bound to arouse — and you’ll be the one trying to restrain yourself from going to where your partner is. The point is to tantalize, even if the scenario in question isn’t going to necessarily happen.
“I’m thinking about doing many things to you. None of them are good. Well one of them, maybe — but we shouldn’t tell your mother about the others.”
If you just read that and said out loud, “WTF? Why are we bringing mom into this,” there’s an explanation for it.
“A lot of time we take dirty talk SO seriously,” Lola Jane says. “While it can be serious, don’t be afraid to mix up some silliness into it. The more you know the person the more you can tailor that dirty talk to their specifics. When you don’t know someone as well dirty talk can be an excellent place to learn, but tread with caution as opposed to going for broke immediately.” Remember: sex is supposed to be fun.
Our bodies, how they respond to touch, our facial expressions, our eyes — all of it, often say far more than words can, and that’s not something to take for granted.
Saying, “I want you to give me so much pleasure I lose the concept of language, we have to use our bodies to communicate,” puts focus on just how much our bodies speak without words and it creates a level of sensuality, along with the sexuality.
Great dirty talk lingers. You can’t shake it out of your mind and even when you put yourself back there you’re likely to become aroused. That’s why throwing in a demand, while being a bit controlling (in a sexy, consensual way) is a great technique to use. As Lola Jean suggests, try saying, “The next time I give you pleasure, I want you to remember the time distinctly so every time that collection of numbers appears on your phone or watch you think of me.”
There you have it — 11 gender-neutral ways to talk dirty. You can absolutely have a fantastic, hot, delicious dirty talk session when you focus on things that are driving you wild